・゚・★clown in a glass castle (´。• ω •。`)★・゚・

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This blog is mostly for fun and nostalgia. I write whatever I want on it. Please don't take it too seriously, it is one's right to be annoying on their own website.

Sorry in advance for any inscrutable talk about idols ♡(ミ ᵕ̣̣̣̣̣̣ ﻌ ᵕ̣̣̣̣̣̣ ミ)ノ

apr 19 2024

I’ve written and wiped this blog like four times lol. The problem is if I think about other people reading this, it changes the way I talk, which I something I try to avoid. In recent years honesty has become really important to me, and now I find it almost repulsive to say stuff I don’t really mean. When I say honesty I do mean, like, not lying, but more so I mean being honest with myself about what I feel and what I value.

This became a big problem when I was intentionally trying to make more marketable work. I was still trying to live primarily off freelance/contract work and I had told myself I would try making what sells, and I’d compromise my own principles to sell it. So I played that game and it kind of worked, and it kind of didn't, and I hated it. There's no denying there's a formula to popularity, but so much of it is luck and circumstance, too. I remember so clearly thinking - if I’m going to be paid like shit no matter what, then I might as well only make the work I want to make.

I went into this field because of the miserable life my family lived and expected me to live in turn. Stories were relief and drawing was magic. Art led to community, to queerness, to the pleasure of hard work, to the joy of bringing something to life. I knew pursuing a craft would invigorate me for the rest of my life. It’s not an exaggeration to say it saved me. Why would I intentionally chip away at the driving force of my life??

I’m broke all the time, but my work is now my own, and I make it to satisfy myself… well, it isn’t enough, because I do need to make a living. It would be nice to not have to cram drawing time into the hours of another job or three. But it’s easier on my heart, at least.

Anyway, I wrote all that and kind of forget why I started this post in the first place. This blog was meant to be a place for thoughts on process and creativity, which I love to talk about. I just didn’t want to put those thoughts on a platform that’s also constantly trying to sell me shit.

Well let’s see if I keep this up. Might be blog wipe #5 :p